[1] Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

[2] I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt

[3] Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

[4] The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns

[5] Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

[6] Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

[7] What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...Mighty scarce. - Mark Twain

[8] By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

[9] I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

[10] My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

[11] The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper

[12] I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

[13] Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

[14] Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.- Mark Twain

[15] My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. Ed Furgol

[16] Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

[17] What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman

[18] I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain

[19] Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath

[20] Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith

[21] I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

[22] I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. WC Fields

[23] We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

[24] Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

[25] Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller

[26] By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal