Folks. . . .Scott Friedman . . . .one funny guy. I highly recommend him and his work to you. - http://www.funnyscott.com/
I have kleptomania; but when it gets bad, I
take something for it.
Who are these kids, and why are they calling me Mom.
Live each day as if it were your last... and someday you'll be right.
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Drink Varnish, and you'll have a lovely finish.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
There's no need to fear falling; it's the sudden stop at the bottom that you should fear.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
The face is familiar, but I can't quite remember my name
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those critical, self-righteous people around me.
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
Therapy is expensive, and popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all
Be kind. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague
Get better, not bitter. Pain is a blessing when you learn the lesson.
Never argue with a crazy person. Outsiders don't know who's who.
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips
Call in 'Well.' "Sorry, I can't come to work, I just feel too good."
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
When everything is coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
How do they get deer to cross at the yellow road sign?
A fool and his money are soon audited.
What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
I intend to live forever. So far, so good!
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Time may be a great healer, but its sure one terrible beautician.
Forgive you enemies . . . nothing annoys them more.
Forget about World Peace . . . Visualize using your turn signal!!
Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give something else.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Sex on television cant hurt you . . . unless you fall off.
Cannibals dont eat clowns because they taste funny.
Because madness takes its toll, please have exact change.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
No man is an island, so slow down on the donuts.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents; its how he found out.
When the chips are down, the Buffalo is empty.
Clones are people two.
Time is the best teacher unfortunately it kills all its students!
Borrow money from pessimists they dont expect it back.
Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research . . .